Your character is defined with every challenge life hands you, big or small.
Let’s take big challenges first.
When was the last time you tackled a good sized challenge?
With layoffs being at an all-time high of 2.5 million since 2002, , an $825+ billion dollar bailout in our banking systems, and record lows in the stock market battering our 401k retirement savings… chances are you’re tackling one of the biggest challenges of your life.
No doubt, these are special circumstances, and risk is all around. If you are acting a little “out of character” and being cautious to make safe decisions, its understandable…makes good sense.
Being crystal clear what you value, and who you are in the face of circumstance is the key to great decision making now more than ever. Compounding the circumstance is stress.
Admittedly, being “out of character” is normal when extreme stress creeps into our life. Being confused, not having a clear head, acting out of emotion is completely expected. And typically, doesn't give you the highest chances to play your best game in life…when it counts most.
What about the mini-challenges facing you every day? Opportunities to be in character, standing for what you believe in, practicing your strengths and playing the best game of your life ? Are you waiting for 'the right moment' - or do you create the moments of your life as its happening, every day?
When was the last time you spoke your mind, respectfully disagreeing, asking the unpopular question, making the unpopular statement, volunteering to go first, offering to take on that errand no one wants, asking someone for money to support a cause you believe in? These mini-moments pass by, almost unnoticeable. They are the tiny voices in your head, seated on the sidelines wondering if you're gonna move the ball 2 yards down the field in the moment. They are the voices that quietly sigh, and moan, when you fumble the ball, choosing safety over progress for your team.
So what is your REAL character? Regardless of the circumstance, how do you choose to play the game of life?
Do you sit on the sidelines of life, jump to your feet, running into the game full throttle?
If you are like most people you’re answering my question in one of three ways:
1. Sigh…yeah. I’m a sitter. I’m not ready to stand up, much less “jump in”. I’m going to wait and see what happens. I might actually get up and squat once and awhile, but times seem to be tough for me. When I have enough, I’ll know how to play better. When I’m ready, I’ll go. Just don’t push me.
Or
2. It depends Kathy. What do you mean by “game”? What’s the situation? Sidelines are not always bad, sitting back is good before going full throttle. Then again, diving in headfirst shows initiative and leadership. So what exactly are you talking about?
Or
3. Jump baby! Woo! I’m a player! I see every passing moment as an advantage. I know I’ll figure it out. I may not have a clue what I’m doing, but I’m clueless with style! What’s the worst that could happen? Plus, somebody has to play, it might as well be me!
These are three attitudes that play at the center of who you decide to be every single day: passive, objective, and active.
Every single one of us come into this world mostly with the “Woo-Hoo!” attitude. But as we get older, we touch the hot stoves of life, and by the time we reach about 27 years of age, our attitude on life is pretty set.
If you are passive in life, you rarely imagine the best you could be and have. And you are safe. If you are objective all the time, you play half of the time a very knowledgeable devil’s advocate. And you are safe.
When you are active you are fully engaged, you sacrifice comfort for the possibility of living the full life. You learn from experience, and have a biography of stories about the lessons and gains you have earned by choosing to play. Only those who practice, and get in the game, make it to the top. Choose any sport, any field of entertainment, any industry or cause. Only those who get fully into the game, look back amazed at all life has brought their way. And what do they say? "I was just living my life, doing my thing."
One of my favorite books is written by a dear friend, Larry Wilson. His book, Play to Win lays out two types of games people play in life: the playing not to lose game, and the playing to win game. The first is all about ensuring your life a safe as it can be life. The second is all about living out your best potential.
During these worst of economic times, it is too easy to put living your life into the hands of another person. To put your happiness into the decision of business and government – creating as much safety to maintain security as you can. Don't live your life, giving others the power to define it for you. Don't read about your life in the newspapers of history - pick up the pen and create the headlines you want to see.
Despite the circumstances, choose to play an active role in your life. Take charge of your game. There will be many reasons to bench yourself, or to wait and see.
Choosing to play means creating a vigorous future for yourself, jumping into life full throttle.
Be dedicated to your character and recognize when you have fallen victim to being afraid, instead of taking the stance to be bold.
If you want to do this now, it will take some work. You will need to begin using a different type of thinking, and rationalizing than you typically do. Literally - you will be using different parts of your brain (check out Hermann Brain Dominance Theory). Going it alone will be tough. It will take a long time, and it will be exhausting. And... it will be the best decision you’ll ever make for your life.
As a coach, it has helped me out tremendously to be a coached. Just because I’m a thinking styles, personality, and leadership styles expert - I too have a forest that is difficult to manage through at times. I too am human, and find myself playing to be safe, especially with a 4 year old and a mortgage! Having a coach helps me stay honest with how I really want to spend my time on this earth. Having a coach helped to kick that bucket out from under the butt of my pity party - so that I could back up on my feet, grounded.
If you are ready to make the choice, and your choice is to start playing – congratulations to the rest of your life. If you're overwhelmed with the next steps, feel free to reach out. I’ll help you find the map and can serve as your guide while you climb to the top of your mountain!
“I know I’m not dead, but am I alive?” – Frank Conroy
Monday, February 9, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Surviving the Ego - Importance vs. Service
This one's for Chris who suggested that I just get going.
There seem to be common lessons to life that are hidden secrets NO ONE tells you until AFTER you've experienced them. Only then do they talk about it AND treat you as if you've been on some alien planet for thinking anything different.
For instance...when I found out I was pregnant...I got my calendar and started counting 9 months into the future. Just like I'd been taught by my teachers, family, books, and society in general all my life.
It wasn't until my doctor had a little chat with me that I found out the TRUTH. Only then do your friends, mother, sister... and EVERY OTHER MOTHER on the planet reveal their knowledge of this secret little truth, "ohhhhh, yeah....that. Its really 10 months. Welcome to the club!" I am a member or the 42 week club. Lucky me.
So, do I warn the "up and comers" about this experience or chalk it up to "wisdom with age" and let them find out for themselves? I say its a test of character, a small, but good example of taking sides. Side A - I say nothing and take my turn in the line of ages where I too laugh at the Freshmen. Side B - I share this truth with non-prego women so that they get it waaaaaaay before they get the lovely truth.
Just like in the movie Pleasant ville when the human experience confronted a naive society with conflict, passion, and a different consciousness...the color of reality appears. The innocent are no longer able to look at life in the same way. Knowledge, and wisdom begin to set-in. With certain power comes responsibility. Choose how you want to play...now that you know.
When the ignorant become aware they are presented with an alternate reality...one that society does not promote, chance, it be..."too much for others to bear". Ignorance is...bliss? What would Neo say when presented with the choice: take the blue pill and be blissful for the rest of your known existence. Take the red pill, and wake up to reality. One presents you with the truth.
There comes a day when each of us finally sees the game for what it is. And only then, do we start playing the REAL game. Do you strive to be important - better than...or do you strive to serve? And if you strive to serve...are you serving yourself, or do you serve a purpose bigger than yourself? Do you strive to be right, or do you strive to be just and fair? If you strive to be right...is it for accuracy or to prove you are best (more important than, better than others)? And if you prove to be just and fair, is it to serve your best interests most of the time, or is it to serve a greater good?
I don't mean to be deep with you. I'm just telling you what's going on. You, me...and every other "aware" person is living the answers to these questions. Better you be driving your life with stick shift than on autopilot.
The glasses are off for me...and I'm finally playing the game. The instructions have been on the mirrors but till now, I have not been able to see them. You see, I've had to huff and puff - blow off a little steam to see that Alice in Wonderland has been in front of me the entire time. I've stepped through the Looking Glass.
Right now, I am going through what feels a little like National Treasure the movie, or Amazing Race the reality TV show. The more senior, tenured or titled people are accustomed and skilled at the hunt for the treasure. Within an organized group of people...this treasure is being the best among others, and "best" depends on what that person needs in order to get satisfaction. The clues come in many forms - title, access to the Board, the one with the "big idea", the one with the last word, the one "bossman" goes to for advice, the one with the least number of laid off people, the one with the most projects (regardless of if they matter), the one with the least number of crap work, the one that got the ridiculous deal with the vendor, the one that "stuck it to those bastards", the one with the most space/real estate, I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and...
In what right now, is the worst economic depression since 1945, it would appear that the tombs of treasure are running low on goods. Traditional methods of excavation are being exposed, and people are getting a little sloppy at maneuvering. In business - existence is like Maslow's air, water, food and shelter. It's what matters. So let what could very well be the worst of the games, begin.
With very little to scrap over, the name of this secret game is about ensuring that you survive. Thriving maneuvers are VERY different than surviving maneuvers. People will tell you, "Of course...everyone knows this". What they won't hand over to you is the playbook. Don't take the bait that you're the alien here. These plays are key to survival, and no, not everyone knows them. Otherwise, they wouldn't be important, and they wouldn't be worth protecting.
The quarterback of this game is EGO, and what ego wants is to score a gain on every drive.
I'm a behavioral styles expert. This means that I study personality styles, thinking styles, values...and ultimately - what "drives" people to do the things they do.
Want to know a secret?
Of the hundreds of Sr. Level Executives I've coached - most are surprisingly insecure about their character in life. What? They are insecure about being too this, not enough that. A boss, a parent, friend, business person, lover...you name it. The game is better than, less than. RARELY do people accept their importance in their own mind. They typically look to the outside for confirmation. The center of their life has become about proving their importance - enter the need to feed the EGO and the hunt for artifacts in the tomb.
Together we crack the code of what their basic driving needs are: appreciation, accomplishment, accuracy, and relationship.
No matter who you are, one of these four, is THE need you strive to fulfill, the others act as tools for getting the one. For instance - I may ultimately need appreciation. Life has taught me however that in order to be appreciated by my boss, I have to accomplish my work in a way that ensures he looks good. So, I learn to execute, relate, and check for accuracy so that in the end, I am applauded. That's just me.
Another example - my colleague may ultimately need accuracy. Life has taught her that the best way to ensure accuracy is to hold a position of leadership (accomplishment) for better control over her environment. Life has also taught her that information supports accuracy and that sometimes the best route to information is relationship with others.
So what.
Our instincts kick-in when we believe we need to secure survival. If you need appreciation - you will actually seek attention. And like a child, it doesn't have to be positive attention - it is ANY attention. If you need accomplishment, you will spend your time "one-upping" your neighbor even if it means spouting out useless trivia to prove you're "in-tune" more than the next person. If you need relationship - you will stop listening to your own needs and carry the weight of the world on your shoulders running around trying to fix things out of your control. And if you need accuracy - you will nit-pick every little thing for some sense of control.
The point to all of this...you are already important. The more you seek this out, trying to prove it, the more your EGO is tying a tight string around your throat. Survive your EGO - and don't get snared in the trap.
Put a bigger purpose than yourself, at the center of your focus.
Take a position of service.
Notice the games before you.
Master this matrix.
Invent a worthy way out.
For those of you who put everyone else first, I'm not telling you to do MORE, what I'm saying is choose a cause that will bring out your best and which encourages you to bring out the best in others.
Choose to play - seek to appreciate - stop to think - and learn to execute a life that matters.
There seem to be common lessons to life that are hidden secrets NO ONE tells you until AFTER you've experienced them. Only then do they talk about it AND treat you as if you've been on some alien planet for thinking anything different.
For instance...when I found out I was pregnant...I got my calendar and started counting 9 months into the future. Just like I'd been taught by my teachers, family, books, and society in general all my life.
It wasn't until my doctor had a little chat with me that I found out the TRUTH. Only then do your friends, mother, sister... and EVERY OTHER MOTHER on the planet reveal their knowledge of this secret little truth, "ohhhhh, yeah....that. Its really 10 months. Welcome to the club!" I am a member or the 42 week club. Lucky me.
So, do I warn the "up and comers" about this experience or chalk it up to "wisdom with age" and let them find out for themselves? I say its a test of character, a small, but good example of taking sides. Side A - I say nothing and take my turn in the line of ages where I too laugh at the Freshmen. Side B - I share this truth with non-prego women so that they get it waaaaaaay before they get the lovely truth.
Just like in the movie Pleasant ville when the human experience confronted a naive society with conflict, passion, and a different consciousness...the color of reality appears. The innocent are no longer able to look at life in the same way. Knowledge, and wisdom begin to set-in. With certain power comes responsibility. Choose how you want to play...now that you know.
When the ignorant become aware they are presented with an alternate reality...one that society does not promote, chance, it be..."too much for others to bear". Ignorance is...bliss? What would Neo say when presented with the choice: take the blue pill and be blissful for the rest of your known existence. Take the red pill, and wake up to reality. One presents you with the truth.
There comes a day when each of us finally sees the game for what it is. And only then, do we start playing the REAL game. Do you strive to be important - better than...or do you strive to serve? And if you strive to serve...are you serving yourself, or do you serve a purpose bigger than yourself? Do you strive to be right, or do you strive to be just and fair? If you strive to be right...is it for accuracy or to prove you are best (more important than, better than others)? And if you prove to be just and fair, is it to serve your best interests most of the time, or is it to serve a greater good?
I don't mean to be deep with you. I'm just telling you what's going on. You, me...and every other "aware" person is living the answers to these questions. Better you be driving your life with stick shift than on autopilot.
The glasses are off for me...and I'm finally playing the game. The instructions have been on the mirrors but till now, I have not been able to see them. You see, I've had to huff and puff - blow off a little steam to see that Alice in Wonderland has been in front of me the entire time. I've stepped through the Looking Glass.
Right now, I am going through what feels a little like National Treasure the movie, or Amazing Race the reality TV show. The more senior, tenured or titled people are accustomed and skilled at the hunt for the treasure. Within an organized group of people...this treasure is being the best among others, and "best" depends on what that person needs in order to get satisfaction. The clues come in many forms - title, access to the Board, the one with the "big idea", the one with the last word, the one "bossman" goes to for advice, the one with the least number of laid off people, the one with the most projects (regardless of if they matter), the one with the least number of crap work, the one that got the ridiculous deal with the vendor, the one that "stuck it to those bastards", the one with the most space/real estate, I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and...
In what right now, is the worst economic depression since 1945, it would appear that the tombs of treasure are running low on goods. Traditional methods of excavation are being exposed, and people are getting a little sloppy at maneuvering. In business - existence is like Maslow's air, water, food and shelter. It's what matters. So let what could very well be the worst of the games, begin.
With very little to scrap over, the name of this secret game is about ensuring that you survive. Thriving maneuvers are VERY different than surviving maneuvers. People will tell you, "Of course...everyone knows this". What they won't hand over to you is the playbook. Don't take the bait that you're the alien here. These plays are key to survival, and no, not everyone knows them. Otherwise, they wouldn't be important, and they wouldn't be worth protecting.
The quarterback of this game is EGO, and what ego wants is to score a gain on every drive.
I'm a behavioral styles expert. This means that I study personality styles, thinking styles, values...and ultimately - what "drives" people to do the things they do.
Want to know a secret?
Of the hundreds of Sr. Level Executives I've coached - most are surprisingly insecure about their character in life. What? They are insecure about being too this, not enough that. A boss, a parent, friend, business person, lover...you name it. The game is better than, less than. RARELY do people accept their importance in their own mind. They typically look to the outside for confirmation. The center of their life has become about proving their importance - enter the need to feed the EGO and the hunt for artifacts in the tomb.
Together we crack the code of what their basic driving needs are: appreciation, accomplishment, accuracy, and relationship.
No matter who you are, one of these four, is THE need you strive to fulfill, the others act as tools for getting the one. For instance - I may ultimately need appreciation. Life has taught me however that in order to be appreciated by my boss, I have to accomplish my work in a way that ensures he looks good. So, I learn to execute, relate, and check for accuracy so that in the end, I am applauded. That's just me.
Another example - my colleague may ultimately need accuracy. Life has taught her that the best way to ensure accuracy is to hold a position of leadership (accomplishment) for better control over her environment. Life has also taught her that information supports accuracy and that sometimes the best route to information is relationship with others.
So what.
Our instincts kick-in when we believe we need to secure survival. If you need appreciation - you will actually seek attention. And like a child, it doesn't have to be positive attention - it is ANY attention. If you need accomplishment, you will spend your time "one-upping" your neighbor even if it means spouting out useless trivia to prove you're "in-tune" more than the next person. If you need relationship - you will stop listening to your own needs and carry the weight of the world on your shoulders running around trying to fix things out of your control. And if you need accuracy - you will nit-pick every little thing for some sense of control.
The point to all of this...you are already important. The more you seek this out, trying to prove it, the more your EGO is tying a tight string around your throat. Survive your EGO - and don't get snared in the trap.
Put a bigger purpose than yourself, at the center of your focus.
Take a position of service.
Notice the games before you.
Master this matrix.
Invent a worthy way out.
For those of you who put everyone else first, I'm not telling you to do MORE, what I'm saying is choose a cause that will bring out your best and which encourages you to bring out the best in others.
Choose to play - seek to appreciate - stop to think - and learn to execute a life that matters.
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